The Myth of Independence in Relationships

There is a quiet belief that many people carry about relationships. It rarely gets said out loud, but it sits underneath a lot of our thinking.

Strong people don’t need anyone.

If you can stand on your own two feet, if you never depend on anyone, if you could walk away from any relationship without flinching – then you must be emotionally healthy. Right?

As a therapist working with young adults, I hear versions of this idea almost every week. Clients will talk about how much they long for connection, how deeply they care about their partner, or how painful a breakup has been. And then almost immediately they criticise themselves for it.

“I wish I didn’t care this much.”

“I hate that I need people.”

“I should be able to be happy on my own.”

There is often a quiet shame attached to needing others. The assumption is that emotional independence is the goal, and that needing people is something we should eventually grow out of.

But what if that whole premise is wrong?

Where Did This Idea Come From?

The idea that independence equals strength has deep cultural roots. Western societies in particular have long admired the image of the self-sufficient individual - the person who can survive alone, who never asks for help, who stands apart from the crowd.

Psychology has sometimes reinforced this narrative. For decades, emotional dependency in relationships was often framed as something unhealthy or immature. The goal was autonomy. The less you needed others, the more “developed” you were assumed to be.

But when you look more closely at human history, the story becomes less convincing.

In Attached, psychiatrist Amir Levine writes about how different eras have tried to train people out of their need for connection. One striking example comes from Victorian child-rearing practices. In some households, caregivers were encouraged to ignore crying babies so they would not become “spoiled” or dependent on attention. The belief was that responding too quickly would reinforce weakness.

The intention was independence.

The problem is that human beings simply are not wired that way.

We Are a Dependent Species

When we zoom out and look at our biology, the myth starts to unravel.

Humans are primates. Our survival has always depended on tight social bonds. For hundreds of thousands of years, our ancestors survived not because they were independent, but because they relied on each other.

Attachment is not a flaw in the system. It is the system.

A baby cannot survive without caregivers. A child develops emotional regulation through connection with others. Adults rely on relationships for safety, support, and cooperation.

Even our nervous systems are social. When we are close to someone we trust, our bodies literally calm down. Heart rate lowers. Stress hormones drop. Our brain interprets connection as safety.

In other words, needing people is not a weakness to overcome. It is a biological strategy that has kept our species alive.

The Struggle I Often See in Therapy

In my therapy room, I often meet people caught in a painful contradiction.

They want closeness. They want love, reassurance, and emotional security. When their partner pulls away, they feel anxious or distressed.

Then comes the second layer of suffering.

They judge themselves for having those feelings in the first place.

Many clients tell me they wish they could be the kind of person who does not need relationships. Someone who could be perfectly content alone, untouched by rejection, unaffected by distance.

They imagine this kind of person as stronger. Freer. More evolved somehow.

But what they are really describing is someone who has managed to suppress one of the most fundamental human drives.

The desire for connection.

Independence Is Not the Opposite of Attachment

Now, to be clear, independence does matter.

Some people genuinely do need to develop more stability within themselves. If your sense of identity collapses when a relationship ends, or if you tolerate unhealthy dynamics because you are terrified of being alone, then strengthening your independence can be incredibly important.

Healthy relationships need two whole people.

But independence and attachment are not opposites. In fact, they tend to grow together.

Attachment research has consistently shown something interesting. People with secure relationships are often more independent, not less. When you know someone has your back, you are actually more willing to explore the world.

It is similar to how children behave with a trusted caregiver. They venture further away because they know there is a safe base behind them.

Secure connection gives us the confidence to move through life.

Radical independence, on the other hand, often grows from a different place entirely. Sometimes it develops after repeated experiences of disappointment or emotional neglect. If relying on others has historically led to pain, the mind learns to shut that need down.

It can look like strength from the outside.

But internally it often feels like loneliness.

Challenging the Cultural Narrative

One of the things I try to offer clients is permission to rethink the story they have been told about relationships.

You do not have to aspire to be someone who needs no one.

Longing for closeness is not evidence that something is broken inside you. Feeling affected by a partner is not a personal failure. Grieving deeply after a breakup is not a sign that you are weak.

These reactions are simply evidence that you are human.

The real task is not to eliminate our need for connection. It is to find relationships where that need can be met in healthy, mutual ways.

To learn how to depend on others without losing ourselves.

To allow closeness without abandoning boundaries.

And perhaps most importantly, to stop shaming ourselves for wanting what our nervous systems have been designed to seek.

Connection.

Considering Therapy

If you recognise yourself in some of these struggles - whether it is difficulty being single, challenges within a relationship, or pain after a breakup - therapy can be a space to explore those patterns more deeply.

If you are considering therapy and would like to work with a specialist like me, click here to see more information about how I work.